Driving to work this morning, I was listening to talk radio, and the guest, an expert in education in America, said we are preparing to graduate the dumbest high school class in this country's history. Functionally illiterate teenagers are being allowed to get a diploma, even though they lack the basic skills they will need to properly perform in the world as we know it. How staggering is THAT information, especially first thing in the morning?
I've been thinking about his words a lot. I've also been thinking about them in the context of today, being my precious baby girl Claire's 18th birthday.
Now, I know I will be preaching to the choir. If you've been reading my blog for any length of time, chances are pretty good that you and I share some basic values. We want to get the most out of life, for the least amount of money, and use our creativity to do so. We also love our families, and spend as much time as possible with our kids.
Acoording to this morning's talk radio guest, dysfunctional family life is one of the biggest reasons why kids are doing so poorly in school. I'm not talking about the normal upheaval every family experiences. The radio guest said PARENTS AREN'T SPENDING ENOUGH TIME PARENTING THEIR KIDS. It's not the teachers, it's not society, it's THE PARENTS. As a collective whole, American parents would rather throw money at the problem, buy their kids the latest crap, while spending the least amount of time possible with them. Then, when they fail? Oh, it's the teachers and society. Nice little 'pass the buck' scenario, being played out far to often in our fair country.
Now, how does this relate to Claire and her 18th birthday?
People tell me all the time what a kind, sweet, smart, accomplished daughter I have. They marvel at the close relationship she and I enjoy. It's wonderful to hear those things, and yes, we do have a fabulous, close relationship; but my daughter's life and talents are the harvest we're reaping after years of me literally living with my nose up her keister.
You want to be a successful parent? You must devote all your energy, time and talents to raising your kids. Will they still screw up and fail? Of course, because you do, too! We're imperfect people raising imperfect people. However, that does NOT excuse you from doing the best you can.
So, ok. How have I raised Claire? I spent as much time with her as humanly possible. I was blessed to spend the first 13 years of her life as a stay at home parent, and 5 of those homeschooling her. That's a luxury many people don't have, I realize that. However, now that I've been a working parent for 4 1/2 years, I STILL make spending time with Claire my priority. She's the reason I don't have a higher paying, longer hour job right now. There will be plenty of time for that later, after she's out of school. For now, we watch our pennies, shop smartly, and don't give her every single high priced goodie under the sun.
Is this too simplistic? I don't think so. Coming home and spending that first hour with Claire allows her to tell me many things I might not hear otherwise. True, the older she gets, those hours are harder to find, but that doesn't excuse us from FINDING THEM. It's one of the reasons I still take her to school in the morning (boy, I'm going to miss that!). She tells me her fears and her happy stuff, and we pray over all of it. I could get into work earlier and make more money, but like I said, I can do that later.
Claire knows she can be honest with me. I want to hear the good AND the bad. She knows I'm not perfect, and I share my ups and downs with her, so why would she be afraid to do the same? I'm not disappointed when she makes a human mistake. If I goof up, I make sure she knows. I don't regale her with tales of how perfect I was growing up, how 'I would never do something like THAT!' That's bull hockey anyway and we all know it. We screwed up, we snuck out, we lied and cheated and stole candy from the drug store. Come clean with your kid and let them know, but also hold their feet to the fire if they say 'well I can do this because YOU did!' That's NOT what I mean! Knowing your parent is just as flawed as you are isn't license to go out and make the same mistakes over and over. We're supposed to LEARN from them.
Don't just sign your kid up for stuff, and then let others take responsibility for their involvement. If they take Tae Kwon Do, sit and watch the classes if you're allowed. You can learn a lot that way. If your kid is a Girl Scout, see if you can help run a troop. If they show animals in 4H, do whatever YOU can to help with their projects, and don't make the club leaders do it all. It takes precarious scheduling sometimes, due to work and other kiddos in the family, but it CAN be done. Exhausting? Yes! Claire and I got deathly ill the year she showed her rabbits at the Delaware County Fair, but we have fabulous memories of how much fun it was to be involved. So much better to have that than regrets.
Check out your kid's interests, WITH your kid. Through the years, Claire's obsessions have been The Little Mermaid, Bratz dolls, The Spice Girls, Naruto (and all Japanese culture), Captain Jack Sparrow, Batman, video games (and all THAT entails), The Beatles, a mercifully short foray into everything dark and screamo rock, serial killers, Sweeney Todd, Broadway, Supernatural, Dr. Who, Glee, Bettie Page, Dita Von Teese, Marilyn Monroe and all vintage glamour........this summer it was Criminal Minds and Friends. I have enjoyed exploring ALL of these with Claire. Why not? I don't want a boring, vanilla kid, anymore than my children want a one dimensional mom. One of the ladies at our eye doctor told me, 'I love how you let your kids' freak flags fly!' It's easy to do when you enjoy and learn from them :)
I know being a grown up is hard. I know parenthood is a tough gig. I haven't had a smooth, easy time of it. Many years I spent as a mom who was also in an unhappy first marriage. It required a delicate balancing act, but somehow, BY THE GRACE OF GOD, my children never once lacked for parental attention and care. I don't say that to boast, I say that to show you IT CAN BE DONE.
So, today we celebrate the 18th birthday of a beautiful, well rounded young woman. I am so proud of Claire, and so honored that God allowed me to be her mom. I wouldn't have traded even one single tiny bit of all the years we've spent together, no matter how hard some were.
I hope she feels the same.
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